The next is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“
I know that many of you are confused about exactly why the Silicon Valley Bank went bust. Well, you’ve come to the right place because this is a political commentary podcast, so the fact that I don’t understand this subject at all won’t stop me from explaining it to you.
The first thing you have to understand is that Democrats believe in socialism. Socialism is an economic system in which powerful people help the poor by taking money from the middle class and giving it to the rich so the rich will give the powerful people more power to help the poor by taking money from the middle class to give to the rich.
In the case of Silicon Valley Bank, the powerful Democrats needed more money to give to the rich to get more power to help the poor, so they printed worthless pieces of paper and called them “dollars” and gave them to the poor who handed them on to the wealthy in return for Hulu subscriptions and garden chairs. The wealthy stated, “Hooray! Now we have worthless dollar papers! We will put them in bonds and useless green nonsense businesses where they will magically turn into money.” In addition they donated thousands and thousands to a Homosexual Satisfaction group, who used the thousands and thousands to purchase some rainbow-colored pencils, and a trip for 12 in Thailand.
Then got here inflation, which was “transitory,” which implies everlasting.
At this level, individuals panicked and there was a run on the financial institution like within the film “It’s A Wonderful Life.” In truth, identical to in “It’s A Wonderful Life,” the financial institution supervisor got here out to the panicked individuals and stated you possibly can’t have your cash, as a result of your cash is in that man’s home, and your cash is on this man’s home, and your cash is in one other man’s home as a result of these three guys are crooks and stole all of your cash. Then the financial institution supervisor gave everybody a free rainbow pencil.
Appearing shortly to reassure the general public, President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden shuffled slowly to a podium together with his eyes glazed and his mouth hanging open and made a slurred speech saying that every part can be all proper as a result of he would give the wealthy individuals again their cash from taxes taken from the center class as a result of that’s socialism. Biden additionally defined that the financial institution failure was Donald Trump’s fault as a result of Donald Trump was such a foul president that every part Biden touches turns to crap. Then Biden shuffled slowly out of the room earlier than anybody might ask him any questions, as a result of questions would possibly spoil the reassuring impact of the slurred speech he made together with his mouth hanging open.
The White Home then issued an announcement which stated, [quote] “The president’s bailout of the Silicon Valley bank is not a bank bailout, and this is not a statement issued by the White House.” [unquote] The New York Instances, a former newspaper, instantly hailed the assertion as a superb piece of post-modern literature, and the White Home celebrated by releasing a vivid purple balloon that carried a speaker over Pennsylvania Avenue repeatedly saying, “It’s all Trump’s fault,” in a really high-pitched voice as a result of it was a helium balloon and the celebration had gotten out of hand.
On the optimistic facet, the Silicon Valley Financial institution’s board of administrators was very numerous. Some board members had given large donations to Hillary Clinton, some to Barack Obama, and a few to Nancy Pelosi. Sadly, none of them had any precise board expertise, besides one however that was with a Ouija Board, which did not less than spell out the phrases, “You are about to get a big surprise. Your bank is out of money.”
Now, you might have heard many journalists say that bailing the financial institution out after it acted so stupidly might create a [quote-unquote] “moral hazard.” And you might have requested your self “What’s a moral hazard and why don’t journalists’ heads burst into flame when they say the word moral — that would be both funny and appropriate?” Properly, an ethical hazard is when wealthy individuals do one thing silly and lose their cash and the federal government provides them your cash in order that the wealthy individuals dance across the room and say, “Hooray! Now we can do more stupid things forever and nothing bad will ever happen to us because there’s a moral hazard so we get everybody’s money.” So principally an ethical hazard is just about the identical factor as socialism.
Now that I’ve defined the banking disaster to you, you’re in all probability questioning: “Will this affect me personally or can I just go back to watching porn?” That relies upon. If it’s the form of porn the place you want a web based subscription, you possibly can’t return to watching it as a result of you haven’t any cash as a result of, now, banks all around the globe have began collapsing, as a result of Donald Trump was such a foul president that Joe Biden has ruined every part.
However right here’s a free rainbow pencil.
Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Present at The Day by day Wire. A well-liked political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan can also be an award-winning novelist. His latest novel is A Unusual Behavior of Thoughts, e-book two within the Cameron Winter Thriller sequence.
The views expressed on this satirical article are these of the creator and don’t essentially characterize these of The Day by day Wire.
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