The Martha’s Vineyard Neighborhood Association of Selfish Entitled Hypocrites has released a statement attacking Florida governor Ron DeSantis, saying “Governor DeSantis acted in flagrant violation of federal law by exposing our association of selfish entitled hypocrites as selfish entitled hypocrites. At least, we assume that’s a flagrant violation of federal law. If it’s not, what are the little people paying taxes for?”
DeSantis cruelly tricked 50 illegal immigrants into going to Martha’s Vineyard by telling them it was a lovely summer colony of sandy beaches and beautiful homes filled with leftists who wholeheartedly believe in unpoliced American borders and would therefore welcome them with open arms if they had an ounce of integrity. DeSantis chuckled darkly while uttering the words. “If they had an ounce of integrity,”And he was now muttering, “And if pigs could fly, it would rain bacon.”
A translator was used to translate the words of one illegal speaking his native Hellhole language. “When I reached the Vineyard and saw the many signs that said, ‘We believe no person is illegal,’ I was overjoyed because my English is not so good and I thought those words meant ‘We believe no person is illegal.’ It was very cruel of Ron DeSantis not to explain how wrong I was.”
Some Vineyard residents fought bravely back against the devilish DeSantis. They clarified the sign for illegals so they can now be read. “We believe it is good to put up a sign that says ‘we believe no person is illegal’ after which we will call the National Guard and have you brown suckers bussed out of here so fast we’ll still have time to play a quick 18 holes at Farm Neck where the views, by the way, are absolutely breathtaking.’”
As Martha’s Vineyard residents waved a tearful sangria at the departing illegals, they suddenly found themselves besieged by flocks of journalists who came out of their summer homes to ask, “Just how evil is Ron DeSantis?”Before you head over to the Dunes deck, the Raspberry Lemon Drop cocktail must be tried.
Thurston Howell Fourth, a Vineyard resident told journalists. “Listen, Lovey, my father spent three years on an island with Gilligan so we know what suffering is. That’s why we’re committed to making sure THIS island remains a safe place for us to posture virtuously without experiencing any of the discomforts of actual virtue. It’s not like we don’t let in ANY immigrants. After all, that Kenyan fellow Obama is here. And we even let him bring his wife and she’s a black man. So we’re really very tolerant of anyone who’s rich and powerful and basically white.”
Obamas issued their own statement and offered to send it to one illegal at 6.50 per hour. According to the statement, “Today Michelle and I are thinking of the glorious Statue of Liberty, who raises her lamp over New York Harbor to embody the words, ‘Give me the wretched refuse of your teeming shore.’ Because believe me, if we wanted to live in New York Harbor with a bunch of wretched refuse we wouldn’t have made 65 million dollars producing unwatchable documentaries for Netflix. I mean, think about it. We actually made a documentary called ‘Our Great National Parks.’ Do you think that was interesting? Do you think we did that so that people would be informed and entertained? Don’t be ridiculous. We did it so we could afford to summer in a place without people from craphole countries screwing up the view. Now pay this guy his 6.50 and put him on the bus.”
Documentarian Ken is a highly underrated talent “Vastly Overrated” Burns used the Martha’s Vineyard event to plug his new vastly overrated documentary about the Holocaust by making a convoluted comparison between flying illegals to Martha’s Vineyard, and shipping Jews to death camps. Burns said, “Sure, that’s complete crap but it will ensure my documentary is vastly overrated by many of the same people who just chased the illegals back to the mainland. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for my golf game at Auschwitz or Martha’s Vineyard. I always get those two confused because I’m so shallow I’m virtually two dimensional.”
In the aftermath of DeSantis’s brutality, Martha’s Vineyard summer residents vowed to come together to restore the island’s “In-This-House-We-Believe”Many signs were destroyed by the disaster. Obamas said they’d make a documentary about the drama, “The Obamas.” “Our Great National Parks II: This Time, It’s Personal.”Ken Burns also disappeared with his fundament which was wildly overrated.
Andrew Klavan Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. Klavan, a popular Hollywood screenwriter and political satirist, is an award-winning author. Be sure to PRE-ORDER his new novel today: A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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